That's it! I understand it all now!
Earlier I wrote:
Latest astronomical measurements put the oldest stars waaaay older than the Universe they are living in - and the Universe is already too old for its current expansion rate to make sense
The Big Bang was the last reboot, and the stars worth keeping were then retrieved from backup. The powers-that-be are currently installing extra storage space faster than the data is growing.
<voice off>Yeah, yeah, and Bill Gates is just a virus sneaked in by the Dark Hacker himself, bub. Are you coming quietly or ... oh, uh hullo Mr. G. That's a nice Black Hole ya' got there ....</voice off> ...
"Klinger, do you know how many zoots were killed to make that one suit?" — BJ Hunnicutt, 4077 M*A*S*H